Steroids and garden hoes, not always a good combo

Well I knew it had been a long time since I posted, but when I re-read my last post I realized it has been almost exactly 3 months. Last post I had received my first Butt Shot of Lupron to shut down my ovaries, yesterday was my 2nd Butt Shot (Ben has little sympathy for this since he had rabies shots there as a teen) and these shots are once every 3 months, so there's my TimeHop for yesterday.
I'm also nearly complete with my 12 weeks of Taxol, combined with Herceptin and Perjeta every 3rd week. In the beginning of treatment I had marked July 20th down as my potential end date, if all went as planned Then 3 months in I started trying to count and got myself confused and explained to people that the 27th would, most likely, be my end date. So we planned a vacation in early August, I was settled that I could manage "Fair Week" with Will and his calves and I scheduled things accordingly at work.
Yesterday the nurse says to me and my lovely neighbor, "number 11 done! only one more left!" I must have given her the dirtiest look, and responded "No this is 10, I have 2 more, 1 Taxol and a final of all three."
She went to check the computer and my neighbor, Kathy, said "you can kick her in the shin if she's wrong."
The nurse wasn't wrong, surprise, surprise! Those ladies and myself have had to be on top of things ( my oncologist has had to be reminded of a few things). And my chemo brain is faltering so the burden has been on them lately.
Emotionally and physically the Taxol has been far, far, far easier. Hence the combination of warm weather and more energy (excessive energy at times with the steroids) got me up out of my recliner playing in the garden instead of blogging.
The emotional ups and downs of each cycle have been nothing like the depressed days of the AC treatments. That's not to say there aren't mental struggles during Taxol ( I have been known to cry because my brain feels so weak)... the steroids, and I think the Herceptin/Perjeta have assisted with some harder emotional days, for me or those around me. Think raging overweight bald woman yelling at you with a garden hoe in her hands, fun huh?
The Lupron amongst other things has sent me essentially into menopause without the glorious peri-menopause for months and months. I get night sweats and hot flashes, mostly 7-14 days post Herceptin/Perjeta, and I will get to do those cancer fighting drugs for 40 more weeks after I complete surgery and radiation. Menopause is a different stage of life than I thought I would be at, and Ben wasn't thinking he would be married to a 35 year old menopausal woman either, but we were not looking to have more babies, so we just have to adjust.
Taxol has brought on diarrhea (I hate trying to spell that word, and I have to all the time with calf records and doctors intake forms.) So I was able to cancel a referral to the Butt Doctor for the anal fissures (OMG!!! sleepless nights) from the AC constipation/diarrhea pendulum. Taxol has also brought neuropathy in my hands feet and sometimes my tongue/face. Decadron (steroid) has made me full of rage as it wears off and sleepless and manic for 48 hours after treatment. I have been reading a book called The Bright Hour and the woman lists all the modifications she has made to her yard while on the steroids: planted a vegetable garden, hydrangeas, rhododendron, rose bush, potted geraniums...the list goes on, and I'll be damned if I couldn't check off nearly everything she listed, plus the husband who, while trying to remain appreciative of the work, is trying to encourage his wife to enjoy the new rocking chair as well. Add that to reorganizing closets, cupboards and weeding out my dresser and you end up with a husband who says he prefers the sickly tired wife over the manic one.
I could hack this Taxol gig for a while if my cell counts would cooperate, they are nearing the bad zone where I could be forced to skip a treatment and allow them to rebound. But those AC cycles are a little like childbirth, once you get past it you glow in the fact that you scaled the mountain, but when you seriously reflect, that mountain was damn hard and painful. I could write an entire blog on the similarities between AC chemo and pregnancy, one you end with a bundle of joy, the other you face the loss of some pretty substantial feminine traits and appendages.
I am currently facing the decision of lumpectomy vs mastectomy, a choice I hadn't previously thought I would have. More than likely I would lose my nipple either way, and if I choose a mastectomy I am 90% sure I would opt for a double. An appointment for an ultrasound and mammogram, plus appointment with my chosen surgeon, Dr. Anne (she is truly awesome in her level of patient care and her patient interaction style is exactly what I received at Sloan Kettering,) recently had to be canceled due to problems with their computer system. I am rescheduled to do that in a couple of weeks, so after that I should have all the information to accurately know if a lumpectomy is an option and when my scheduled surgery will be (I am supposed to take 3-4 weeks off after chemo before my body can safely go through surgery) later in August. After surgery I could face weeks of radiation and then go back to my Herceptin/Perjeta regimen every 3 weeks.
The tumor physically feels vastly different and much harder to find, both by my evaluation and the Drs' palpation. And my 3 month echo cardiogram showed no decreased heart function from these potentially dangerous drugs.

Some of my reflections, the silver lining of cancer I guess; you will find friends or reconnect with friends that will fill your heart, the love from your community is breathtaking (thanks nurse Sam for recommending a book that has expanded my view of what community really means,) faith in myself, my beliefs and my intuition is invaluable, trying to be present and in the moment to enjoy more simple stuff is increasingly important. I'm nowhere done with the journey, and the mental burdens may become more difficult as I come to the end of the "tasks" of treatment and face years of scans, therefore I will only learn more about myself and what the silver linings are as I have more time to reflect. I am increasingly interested in doing some sort of retreat for meditation and spiritual reflection, yes I am a spiritual person, despite what some think, but I have gained a true trust in my own beliefs through all of this and continue to evaluate how they align with some of the oldest religions. Some deep stuff here... but thanks to some extra hands on deck the manure pond in our backyard has been emptying rather quickly lately!

Thanks to all of you! For the comments, the meals, the child care, sharing your kids to play with mine or sharing your teen to keep life in our house running, baking goodies to sell for raising money for the American Cancer Society for our Team Udders, drinking soda/beer and more beer for saving Tabs for Tatas to help raise money for Traci's Hope, sitting with me for hours to share cancer talk in our newly formed Ladies Cancer group in Owego (message me if you or someone you know might be interested), sending me texts and emails to keep me sane and encourage me. I have love to give to each and every one of you and I accept your love with open arms!! Just be careful of the hoe or pitch fork depending on the day.

Here's our ACS site if you want to help Team Udders

Bring your can tabs or $$ to Home Central to help Traci's Hope or sign up for Kayaking for a Kure to help both Traci's Hope and my dear friend and cancer buddy Jocelyn Kline!!

And I didn't get many takers(only one really) on using the meal planning site, but we will probably need some help once I have surgery and radiation.

This weekend I am skipping town to have a ladies weekend and visit Longwood Gardens...hip, hip hooray!!