Touch Your Boobies

It's been a long week! 

I am revitalizing the blog as a way to connect with friends and family during our breast cancer journey. It has been 5 years since I used this page! The warmth and support of all the texts/phone calls/visits are wonderful, but I needed to find a way to give people a consistent update (I can't remember who I told what to) and I looked at setting up a Caring Bridge site, but it seemed silly when I already had this blog set up. Sorry if you found this blog looking for farm stuff and ended up with this!
So here we are, less than a week into a breast cancer diagnosis. 

Here's the very long-winded story:
I have a lump in my left breast, Ben is taking credit for the find. I didn't think it felt like anything for the first few weeks, until one morning it bothered me and I felt it again while getting dressed for work. This time it was substantial and nearly visible as a bulge.
The next day I called my midwife and friend, Mary Borra, and her staff scheduled me to come in to the Cortland office the following week.
Mary checked me out on the 7th of February and quickly decided to call the Cortland radiology department and see if they could fit me in while I was already in town. They did, and in retrospect I should have noticed some oddities in the requests for second images or constant chatter from the woman performing the ultrasound, but I naively kept thinking I just had a cyst. 
Mary met with me as soon as I was done with the imaging and once she received the results she shared the news that the mass was highly suspicious and asked if I would be willing to meet with a surgeon that she trusted very much. We, Mary and I, went into the pouring rain back to the hospital where we were quickly seen by Dr. Cotie, the surgeon. Mary acted as my surrogate mother for the beginning of the appointment and has been supporting me throughout this.
Dr Cotie was frank, but very caring, and explained that this might be a long road, but we would try to get answers quickly. He helped me get back out of the building and left me on his way to track down the radiologist to try to schedule my ultrasound guided biopsy. Within a half hour the hospital had called telling me to arrive at 8:45 the following morning for my biopsy. The next morning I was told that nurses actually saw Dr. Cotie running down the hallway trying to catch the radiologist.
We got through the biopsy with only one of us getting light headed, and hung out in Cortland for the day so we could attend a Farmer Discussion Group put on by CCE, which was a nice way to end a long day, laughs and good conversation with our peers.
Two days later, Thursday the 9th, Mary called. Our poor General Manager, Ryan, happened to be sitting in my living room along with my parents for a Officers meeting for Home Central. He didn't know what he was in for!
Mary called to say that, while pathology was not complete on the sample, it was/is Ductile Carcinoma and that we needed to start picking out an oncologist. 
While I was more than happy with the care I received at Cortland, and Ben and I can't say enough good things about the people we met there, my gut said I needed to go elsewhere. 
With some help and guidance from Uncle Ivan (it's nice having a doctor in the family) and his colleagues, we decided to go to the Patricia Numann Breast Center at Upstate Medical. I called their office on the morning of the 10th and by that afternoon Mary and her team had my records sent to the center and they called with details of my appointment for the following Monday.
It was a long weekend! But I explored my family history a little more and learned of other unlucky ladies on the Gowan/Ward side with histories of cancer. 
Monday we trekked through the snow storm to Syracuse and met with Dr. Albert, a surgical oncologist, and his colleagues at the Numann Center. We really thought highly of Dr. Albert's demeanor and knowledge. Ben says he has the three C's: he's Caring, Compassionate and Competent. 
Dr. Albert wanted more imaging of my lymph nodes, so they fit us in for that while we were in the office. Upon watching the ultrasound, Dr. Albert recommended a lymph node biopsy this week to determine if the nodes have been affected. They were swollen on the imaging, but that could be from the biopsy the previous Wednesday, and the walls were thickened.
We also met with a plastic surgeon on the Numann team and he gave us the run down of what reconstruction would be like and reviewed ME to see what he could accomplish :) 
I learned a few things... my nipples are in the "wrong place" for an under the boob incision. Apparently boobs shouldn't act like they are scared of heights! 
Second I learned that when someone asks if they can take your picture to use in your records in case we do reconstruction, be prepared for full-on glamour shots! No DMV stuff here, no webcam, but big camera, multiple light screens, back lighting, posing, everything except rouge and a feather boa. 
Third, I don't know what I learned, but I held my first fake booby and I saw more pictures of topless women than most 40 year old bachelors. 
What a day!
We met with Dr Albert again before we left and discussed the possible options for treatment and each step of the way I felt more confident in the idea of a double mastectomy and reconstruction. Dr. Albert suggested we opt for genetic testing, which meant one more stop at the lab for a blood sample. By the end of the day it seemed more likely that chemo would be in my future and that I have a preference is for a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy. 

Today, Tuesday the 14th - Valentine's Day, I was told to come back to Syracuse to their Community Hospital location for my lymph biopsy and MRI at 9 am on Thursday the 16th. 
I am eager to get that done and over, but not eager for the biopsy as I don't care for lidocaine and I find it does not do it's job beyond skin deep, but that is a minor hiccup.

The kids are aware that Mommy has cancer, but Will is the only one who seems to understand that there are more implications than your normal cold or flu. 

We are confidently optimistic, but at the same time worried about the here and now implications for our family and business(s?). I don't fear for Home Central, the crew/family there are an excellent team, and myself, and sometimes Ben, serve more as a small rudder guiding the direction, than as integral components in operations. The farm however is a younger entity, with ample debt, rapid growth and inconsistent labor. 
We have a great support network, including family, friends, co-workers, former employees and farm professionals/vendors. Thanks for being who you all are! 
Ben has been fussing over a manure pond that's nearly overflowing, but tonight a former employee stopped by and helped Ben & Ricky (Ben's cousin) get everything hooked up (a pretty big project) and ready to go. Ben's comment when he walked in the door a few minutes ago was "sometimes that little old man makes me feel so much better" to which I responded "why, faith in the world?" Ben said, "faith in the world and it's nice to talk to someone with a positive attitude at least once during the day." There are a lot of bright spots in the world if you take your sunglasses off and actually look around. Ben and Dan, our former employee, have had numerous times when they didn't see eye to eye and were tired of working side-by-side, but Dan has been a blessing to us. He seems to show up on our doorstep when things feel bleak, and he brings experience, positivity  and kindness to brighten the day. There are so many people like that surrounding us, I can think of about a dozen that impacted us just today, whether they knew it or not.
I'm prepared to keep my eye out for the small acts of kindness each and every day.

I hope to not write so much each time, but this was a catch up for those who haven't been privy to the numerous texts, emails, phone calls of the last few days. For a non-communicator like me it's overwhelming to have so much interaction and so little "quiet" (digital or otherwise) time. I've never been good at staying in touch, so maybe this tool can help me along. 

Thanks for all the love and support, for real!