NYC happens to be the land of Suburbans, or just over-sized SUV's period, but mainly suburbans. Last week we traveled to Memorial Sloan Kettering in NYC to get a second opinion.
She thinks I have breast cancer. Can you believe it???
Well that's not really what we went for, we actually went to give Ben the experience of tall buildings, constant horn beeping and the land of black apparel (seriously do these people own anything with color?)
But we had a good experience, Ben actually enjoyed the city for the few short hours we were there (I'm not a fan.) My dear aunt Stacie graciously chauffeured us for the entire day and treated us like the middle school kids she usually chaperones for trips to NYC.
The waiting room of Sloan was a little unnerving at first. I had mentally prepared myself for a room full of cancer patients, but Ben was a little caught off guard. Stacie, who sat in the waiting room while we visited with the doctor, actually found the room inspiring as she listened to the women around her sharing their stories with each other. Should you stumble in off the street, the room might give you pause as you take in the multitude of women with canes, no hair and worried companions. But Stacie is right, they were chatting about their stories, sharing experiences, feeling a bond. That's not to say that I didn't have nightmares that left me unable to sleep, but that's just my freakish mind, not from a lack of warmth and beauty in that room.
I have been brought into a fold of women I barely knew existed before now, women who offer to show you scars or missing nipples, women who offer to ship you their hair, women who recommend doctors, books, tricks and tips. It's an incredibly generous and welcoming group.And the love from those around me, near and far, is still very overwhelming.
Suburbans...Ben announced every stinking one he saw, and he probably saw 30-40 in one freaking day. You might see 5 in a week in our neck of the woods, but down there we saw one every other minute. He was hyper-aware because I picked up my Honda the night before and we are committed to trading the Suburban in on a pick-up, his heart is breaking. I don't miss it, but that man loves that car.
Anyhow, my prognosis. Dr. Sanford from Sloan Kettering recommended a different course of chemo. The regimen she recommended is more harsh, but she feels is more successful for my Estrogen +, Progesterone + and HER2 + (Human Epidermal Growth Factor Receptor 2) Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. This treatment will consist of 4 rounds of AC chemo (Adriamycin and Cytoxan) once every 2 weeks (so 8 weeks total for the math flunkies) plus a steroid the day after the AC in a patch so I don't have to travel two days in a row. Then 12 weeks of weekly injections of either T (Taxol) or H (Herceptin) and P (Perjeta) or a combination thereof. Then a break of a few weeks, surgery, and back to the THP regimen for 40 more weeks. Plus, most likely, radiation sometime after surgery.
This regimen is different than the other prescribed plan primarily because of the AC, a harsher combination but one that Dr. Sanford says she feels comfortable recommending for someone my age vs a much older woman. Dr. Siva expressed concern about the implications for my heart, Adriamycin has high cardiotoxicity and can cause leukemia or other issues, but she is willing to provide this treatment.
Dr. Sanford recommended finding an oncologist closer to home since the second portion, the THP, will be weekly and she believes the less upheaval in my life from time away from home, the less stress and the better the response. T (Taxol) is another chemo drug, but Herceptin and Perjeta are actually hormonal treatments and a recent trial called APHINITY has shown that one year of H&P is superior, but they still need to wait for the FDA and then insurance companies to follow suit and allow this regimen. Both doctors admit that there are no head to head studies on the AC-THP regimen vs the TCHP plan that was originally prescribed.
After some thought and some tears and some nightmares, I have decided on the AC-THP, judge away, but Dr. Sanford made me confident with her confidence in this. She drew me pictures and mapped out the plan in a way that made us totally confident, Ben may have even shed some happy tears on his way back out into that waiting room.
So Friday I did the CT Scan, Bone scan and Echo. AND I nearly shit my pants in Wegmans!
I had planned on going to Wegmans after the tests to get some food for a gathering of crazy little boys at my house on Saturday, but I wasn't aware how bad the Barium Sulfate would a) taste b) affect my digestive system. I made it to the restrooms, multiple times, but it was not an enjoyable shopping trip.
Again, at Lourdes there were inspiring women in the waiting room! They forewarned me about the upset stomach and the disgusting drink. I think I should start a rating system for hospital gowns/robes/oversized dickeys. Lourdes would get a 4.5 out of 5. The Nueman Center at Upstate would get a 7 out of 5 for the plush terrycloth robes they provided, but that was only in the imaging offices. Someplace else had lovely plush robes too, but I can't seem to remember where. Cortland Mammo department gave me an oversized napkin with a head-hole and snaps, but it didn't even come down to my bellybutton, nor am I self-aware enough to know not to wave my arms around as I talk.
Sunday we celebrated Ben's 35th Birthday - woot woot!!
Today, Monday, I went back to Upstate, not sure of whether we would start chemo today or not. Dr. Siva offered to start the THP portion of the plan today and then do the AC after the 12 weeks, flip-flopping the plan, or start the AC after I get my port because it is too harsh to do without the port. I decided to wait and do the AC on Friday, the idea being that we get the AC done first, while I am feeling my strongest, and hit the hopefully easier THP afterward.
My echo cardiogram was good, the bone scan was good and the ct only showed one nodule in my lungs that is less than half a centimeter and could very well not be cancerous, plus the obvious growth in my breast (MRI measured 6.4 cm but they tend to overestimate) and 4 suspect axillary lymph nodes (armpit). Dr. Siva is also trying to coordinate the transfer of my care to Broome Oncology, several people have recommended doctors in that practice, who work out of both Lourdes and UHS. Thanks for all the input!!
My cancer is called Stage III by Dr. Siva, I think based on the MRI sizing of the tumor, and IIB by Dr. Sanford, because she prefers the ultrasound sizing. Either way, it is what it is and the chemo is going to blast that crap right out of there.
So the remainder of this week will bring - Colton's Birthday, Port on Wednesday at Wilson, a trip to the accountant on Thursday, groceries tomorrow so I don't have to shop post-chemo for a while, and chemo Friday after I drop off records at the other accountant. Chemo here we come, ready or not!! Accountant here we come, whether I'm ready or not!!
If you can't sleep - try counting suburbans!
Dead End Farm - a certified organic dairy farm located in upstate New York. This blog is a way to update our friends and family on what is happening on the farm and in our lives.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
SPACE Cadet 3/1/17
We're off to NYC tomorrow to get a second opinion at Memorial Sloan Kettering... I might as well be travelling to Mars. My mind feels like it's a million miles away from my body.
Whirlwind is an understatement, yet it feels like the things that ought to have happened two weeks ago can't come soon enough. Ben, maybe more so than I, is counting down the days to chemo, ready to let the drugs do their work.
I have relished these couple of weeks to check a million things off the to-do list that have been weighing on my mind, plus fit in the various doctors appointments and multiple daily phone calls with 4 hospitals and multiple providers at those institutions. And we picked up my new to me car tonight. I've actually been pretty manic and that's a little scary because I am waiting for the manic to come to a crashing halt.
The port issues were a pain in the butt and Ben wishes I had gotten more angry and heated concerning this, but it's not delaying treatment, and human error is human error and as much as I am frustrated, the real anger is from the entire situation, not so much the smaller hiccups.
So Friday will be a CT scan, Bone scan and Echo cardiogram at Lourdes. Monday will still be my first chemo treatment in Syracuse, unless something drastic happens tomorrow in NYC. The port is rescheduled for Wednesday at Wilson Hospital.
Will turned 8 last Sunday, Ben turns (drum roll)...35 this Sunday and Colton turns 5 Wednesday. I'm mad that I'm a little distracted. A LOT distracted!
Still feeling overwhelmed by the love and support that has been flowing in, cards, packages, food, well-wishes, inspiring blog articles and even some wigs ;)
I'm wearing one of two pairs of socks I got in the mail, they have cute yellow flowers and say "Kick this day in its sunshiny ass".
My goal is to cut out sugar, it feeds cancer, or at least that's what I hear/read/watch. I love a good green smoothie, but cutting out sugar and simple starches is hard and sticking to that when we are eating out more than we ever have before makes it nearly impossible, but I'M TRYING! No I'm not beating myself up about it, but it feels good to try to fight back in my own way.
I've read some of Jennifer Griffin's story about her battle with Breast Cancer and it's very inspiring and fits into some of my pre-existing nutritional knowledge about eliminating the foods that cause inflammation. So kale soup here I come!! If you've got any recipes send them my way, please!
Good news: BRCA genetic testing came back negative, so this means I am not carrying the genetic marker that predisposes myself or my offspring to a significantly increased chance of having breast, ovarian or several other types of cancer. YAY!!
Whirlwind is an understatement, yet it feels like the things that ought to have happened two weeks ago can't come soon enough. Ben, maybe more so than I, is counting down the days to chemo, ready to let the drugs do their work.
I have relished these couple of weeks to check a million things off the to-do list that have been weighing on my mind, plus fit in the various doctors appointments and multiple daily phone calls with 4 hospitals and multiple providers at those institutions. And we picked up my new to me car tonight. I've actually been pretty manic and that's a little scary because I am waiting for the manic to come to a crashing halt.
The port issues were a pain in the butt and Ben wishes I had gotten more angry and heated concerning this, but it's not delaying treatment, and human error is human error and as much as I am frustrated, the real anger is from the entire situation, not so much the smaller hiccups.
So Friday will be a CT scan, Bone scan and Echo cardiogram at Lourdes. Monday will still be my first chemo treatment in Syracuse, unless something drastic happens tomorrow in NYC. The port is rescheduled for Wednesday at Wilson Hospital.
Will turned 8 last Sunday, Ben turns (drum roll)...35 this Sunday and Colton turns 5 Wednesday. I'm mad that I'm a little distracted. A LOT distracted!
Still feeling overwhelmed by the love and support that has been flowing in, cards, packages, food, well-wishes, inspiring blog articles and even some wigs ;)
I'm wearing one of two pairs of socks I got in the mail, they have cute yellow flowers and say "Kick this day in its sunshiny ass".
My goal is to cut out sugar, it feeds cancer, or at least that's what I hear/read/watch. I love a good green smoothie, but cutting out sugar and simple starches is hard and sticking to that when we are eating out more than we ever have before makes it nearly impossible, but I'M TRYING! No I'm not beating myself up about it, but it feels good to try to fight back in my own way.
I've read some of Jennifer Griffin's story about her battle with Breast Cancer and it's very inspiring and fits into some of my pre-existing nutritional knowledge about eliminating the foods that cause inflammation. So kale soup here I come!! If you've got any recipes send them my way, please!
Good news: BRCA genetic testing came back negative, so this means I am not carrying the genetic marker that predisposes myself or my offspring to a significantly increased chance of having breast, ovarian or several other types of cancer. YAY!!
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Free Breast Exams - 2/18/17
Gotta love him, Ben that is. He asked that I put his phone number on the blog in case anyone needs a free breast exam.
Thoughtful!
We had another long day in Syracuse yesterday. The MRI was at 6:45 a.m. so we had to be there by 6:30, which meant leaving our house around 4:45 a.m., fun! But the roads were far better than the other two trips. I slathered on some coconut oil/Shea butter cream to help lube me into the MRI tube, Ben checked on a new calf and we were on the road.
The MRI was intense! The damn thing looked hardly any bigger than the last one, but the apparatus I laid on was not so high off the table, so I FIT! There's a lot of snapping, whirring, whatever the other noises were and my muscles started twitching along to the beat. They give you little breaks, which is appreciated, but you're still stuck in the rabbit hole. The music was not ideal, I guess I should have chosen a different genre, but I closed my eyes and TRIED to think about different things.
Somehow the woman who put me in the machine was not the woman who took me out 20 minutes later, which was a little startling. Plus the woman gave me pants that were far too big (my shoulders and belly are big lady, but these pants just wouldn't stay up. So I snatched a different pair before they put me in.
There was some random dude in a carhart and muck boots with earphones in standing outside the MRI room when they took me in. He was talking to a couple of staff members and the nurse who took me in gave everyone a dirty look and I think he scrammed, hopefully.
We went a few doors down to the Numann Center after and waited a long time to see if the Radiologist wanted us to come do any more ultrasound or biopsies. Tammy (the pit bull NP) kept checking on us and they ended up having me do another mammogram. I am enjoying the terrycloth robes vs the slightly oversized napkin I had to wear in Cortland.
Then I went to see Dr. Albert again...
The biopsy came back positive for cancer in 2 lymph nodes, but the original biopsy came back positive for a 3rd hormone receptor, HER2. While the lymph node diagnosis isn't good, the HER2 diagnosis is a mixed bag, bad in that it is usually more aggressive, but good in that in the last few years they have found treatments that it is usually very receptive to.
Dr. Albert says that at this point we are probably calling it a Stage 3, based on the size of the mass and that there are at least 2 lymph nodes affected. BUT he's still awesome and upbeat. He also noted that we would probably be doing radiation, but that recent studies, and an ongoing trial I would qualify for, show that I would probably not need a radical mastectomy, meaning I could keep my lymph nodes.
Why keep affected lymph nodes?
Lymphodema is a nasty disease caused by removal of lymph nodes, which results in swelling and pain in the arm which can make daily tasks very difficult.
That's still a decision to be made.
Dr Albert also had already made arrangements with Dr. Zeva (a longer name but that's what she goes by) for me to see her at the Cancer Center that afternoon. Dr. Zeva is the Breast Cancer Program Medical Oncologist.
We grabbed lunch, I felt like a slob eating at a decent restaurant because I had dressed for a 6:30 am MRI, not a hot date in the city. And remember that coconut oil I slathered on? I think I must have touched my hair after I dried it and my hair was looking like I hadn't showered in 3 days.
Anyhow we went to the swanky Breast Cancer offices and met with Dr. Zeva, and a Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Shapiro, and residents for both doctors. So I got examined 4 times, yay!
Game plan: 1 round of chemo every 3 weeks for 6 rounds, then surgery.
Dr. Shapiro was recommending a study where they don't do radiation on half the patients after surgery because they think it may be unnecessary if the cancer responds well to chemo. I have consulted my familial medical expert and he has been calling friends in faraway places for advice. A world-renowned Radiation Oncologist is telling him, NO, do the radiation, I'm too young to take that risk, and I was questioning that as well.
I have to have a PET scan (my insurance is already throwing a fit about this), and Echo Cardiogram and get the port put in before my next appointment on March 6th to start Chemo.
I am now considering trading in my BUS (aka suburban) on a smaller SUV for my frequent trips to Syracuse, and even more locally for radiation. Plus we would hope to upgrade Ben's truck at the same time to allow more flexibility for transporting kids. If you know anyone who can do a good two-fer (how do you write that?) let me know!
Still trying to stay upbeat, even as the news is a little more intense. Please help me stay upbeat! The more boob jokes the better!
Thoughtful!
We had another long day in Syracuse yesterday. The MRI was at 6:45 a.m. so we had to be there by 6:30, which meant leaving our house around 4:45 a.m., fun! But the roads were far better than the other two trips. I slathered on some coconut oil/Shea butter cream to help lube me into the MRI tube, Ben checked on a new calf and we were on the road.
The MRI was intense! The damn thing looked hardly any bigger than the last one, but the apparatus I laid on was not so high off the table, so I FIT! There's a lot of snapping, whirring, whatever the other noises were and my muscles started twitching along to the beat. They give you little breaks, which is appreciated, but you're still stuck in the rabbit hole. The music was not ideal, I guess I should have chosen a different genre, but I closed my eyes and TRIED to think about different things.
Somehow the woman who put me in the machine was not the woman who took me out 20 minutes later, which was a little startling. Plus the woman gave me pants that were far too big (my shoulders and belly are big lady, but these pants just wouldn't stay up. So I snatched a different pair before they put me in.
There was some random dude in a carhart and muck boots with earphones in standing outside the MRI room when they took me in. He was talking to a couple of staff members and the nurse who took me in gave everyone a dirty look and I think he scrammed, hopefully.
We went a few doors down to the Numann Center after and waited a long time to see if the Radiologist wanted us to come do any more ultrasound or biopsies. Tammy (the pit bull NP) kept checking on us and they ended up having me do another mammogram. I am enjoying the terrycloth robes vs the slightly oversized napkin I had to wear in Cortland.
Then I went to see Dr. Albert again...
The biopsy came back positive for cancer in 2 lymph nodes, but the original biopsy came back positive for a 3rd hormone receptor, HER2. While the lymph node diagnosis isn't good, the HER2 diagnosis is a mixed bag, bad in that it is usually more aggressive, but good in that in the last few years they have found treatments that it is usually very receptive to.
Dr. Albert says that at this point we are probably calling it a Stage 3, based on the size of the mass and that there are at least 2 lymph nodes affected. BUT he's still awesome and upbeat. He also noted that we would probably be doing radiation, but that recent studies, and an ongoing trial I would qualify for, show that I would probably not need a radical mastectomy, meaning I could keep my lymph nodes.
Why keep affected lymph nodes?
Lymphodema is a nasty disease caused by removal of lymph nodes, which results in swelling and pain in the arm which can make daily tasks very difficult.
That's still a decision to be made.
Dr Albert also had already made arrangements with Dr. Zeva (a longer name but that's what she goes by) for me to see her at the Cancer Center that afternoon. Dr. Zeva is the Breast Cancer Program Medical Oncologist.
We grabbed lunch, I felt like a slob eating at a decent restaurant because I had dressed for a 6:30 am MRI, not a hot date in the city. And remember that coconut oil I slathered on? I think I must have touched my hair after I dried it and my hair was looking like I hadn't showered in 3 days.
Anyhow we went to the swanky Breast Cancer offices and met with Dr. Zeva, and a Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Shapiro, and residents for both doctors. So I got examined 4 times, yay!
Game plan: 1 round of chemo every 3 weeks for 6 rounds, then surgery.
Dr. Shapiro was recommending a study where they don't do radiation on half the patients after surgery because they think it may be unnecessary if the cancer responds well to chemo. I have consulted my familial medical expert and he has been calling friends in faraway places for advice. A world-renowned Radiation Oncologist is telling him, NO, do the radiation, I'm too young to take that risk, and I was questioning that as well.
I have to have a PET scan (my insurance is already throwing a fit about this), and Echo Cardiogram and get the port put in before my next appointment on March 6th to start Chemo.
I am now considering trading in my BUS (aka suburban) on a smaller SUV for my frequent trips to Syracuse, and even more locally for radiation. Plus we would hope to upgrade Ben's truck at the same time to allow more flexibility for transporting kids. If you know anyone who can do a good two-fer (how do you write that?) let me know!
Still trying to stay upbeat, even as the news is a little more intense. Please help me stay upbeat! The more boob jokes the better!
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Linebacker Shoulders - 2/16/17
The weather was SLIGHTLY better for another trek to Syracuse this morning. BUT my MRI was not a success. We did a "dry run" of the MRI at Upstate's Community Hospital and it was not at all successful.
If you've had a breast MRI before you might be able to follow along, if not you need to use some imagination...
This is an old MRI. It was yellowed plastic and the tube your body goes in is tiny and it looked like there was some loose seam tape dangling, but the gentleman, Mike, helping me was extremely kind. There is a tilted chest plate with 2 holes for your boobies to dangle through, a face pad for you to rest your head on and the chest plate is elevated about 6-8" off the table that slides your body into the tube.
We attempted our first "dry run," as Mike called it, with my gown still on and he slowly slid me into the tube, I thought 'this is fairly comfortable', similar to a massage table, except for the boob holes (but massage tables might want to think about incorporating those because it was more comfortable). Then my shoulder hit the top of the tube...
Mike stopped, slid me back out and apologized profusely for the machine, saying "this happens all the time."
Dude, I know these machines are expensive, and I'm an overweight linebacker, but I think it's time for an upgrade!
Mike said we were going to try it one more time, all the while some random employee stood silently smiling a little too much with an "I told you so" look on her face. I was told to take a few deep breaths and reach my hands further over my head...this time the top of my shoulder just brushed, but by my shoulder blade I was wedging into the tube.
Back that lady out before she gets stuck like Winnie the Pooh going in and out of Rabbit's burrow!
Anyhow, lots of apologies later and phone calls to other offices and the Nurse Practitioner at the Numann Center, who is an intense hoot of a lady, promised me a spot back at their office complex first thing (earlier than first thing) in the morning with a different MRI, plus the ability to meet with the radiologist to do any further tests right then and there.
Mike was so nice, he led us back through the hospital to the Wellspring Breast Center where I would have the lymph node biopsy and Mike stopped in to beg a plead with someone to do an MRI for me before the biopsy. He was too softspoken and sweet, not like Tammy the NP who sounds like quite the pit bull when it comes to scheduling (kind of reminds me of my coworker Karen ;) so no MRI today.
Anyways I was an hour and a half early for this appointment but they still took me in. I had to be pulled aside and shown the ties for my gown hanging on my butt because I was just wandering around holding the damn thing shut. I had searched for ties, but hadn't found them. After quite a few minutes of deep breathing exercises to keep myself from crying in the waiting room I was called back by yet another SUPER nice nurse.
I forgot to tell you I had a Valium tablet in my purse I was supposed to take when I was done with the MRI because I was pretty anxious about the biopsy. My fear was related to the pain (this time we were going to try something other than lidocaine) and the "gun" they use to take the tissue sample startles me (I have a fear of balloons, guns and any loud abrupt noises - I tweak out). Well with the hubbub of the screwed up MRI I left that pill in the waiting room with Ben, and then convinced myself it was too late anyway to take it, I told myself if I took it now I would still be nervous and jerky for the biopsy, but then drooling and nonsensical on the ride home. Plus I had taken an L-Theanine supplement to help with the nerves earlier that morning.
I did freak out!
One node sampled. Not too bad.
"Your nodes are lower than you would think" - Must be those misplaced nipples told the lymph nodes that the weather was better down south...
Digging deeper for a lower node...OUCH! Snap Snap...me jerking and blubbering on the bed. The radiologist was super nice, as was the nurse who's hand I was clawing. I guess they think they went deeper than the numbing medicine and eventually I calmed down so they could put in their twisty metal marker so the biopsy site will show up on imaging.
I survived, no valium!
The radiologist, who coached my breathing to help me stop wiggling while I blubbered, explained that the pain made my emotions about everything come flooding in, nerves about the procedure, confusion and sadness about the diagnosis and the unknowns of it all. I felt less like an idiot and more like a brave linebacker, I weathered the biopsy, and came head to head, or shoulder to tube with an MRI machine.
So today is done, tomorrow an MRI, hopefully, and more bright spots.
A few bright spots glimmered throughout the day and just after we got home my dear co-worker had fixed a bunch of lights in our milking parlor so you need sunglasses to milk cows now. Plus a farm employee was willing to cut her date night short to come milk tomorrow morning so Ben can drive Miss Daisy to Syracuse again.
I promise shorter posts soon, but it's quiet in the house with Ben at the barn and the kids are staying with Grandma and Grandpa since we have to leave before dawn, so writing on the computer is a pretty relaxing gig.
Put on your pads and play like a linebacker!
If you've had a breast MRI before you might be able to follow along, if not you need to use some imagination...
This is an old MRI. It was yellowed plastic and the tube your body goes in is tiny and it looked like there was some loose seam tape dangling, but the gentleman, Mike, helping me was extremely kind. There is a tilted chest plate with 2 holes for your boobies to dangle through, a face pad for you to rest your head on and the chest plate is elevated about 6-8" off the table that slides your body into the tube.
We attempted our first "dry run," as Mike called it, with my gown still on and he slowly slid me into the tube, I thought 'this is fairly comfortable', similar to a massage table, except for the boob holes (but massage tables might want to think about incorporating those because it was more comfortable). Then my shoulder hit the top of the tube...
Mike stopped, slid me back out and apologized profusely for the machine, saying "this happens all the time."
Dude, I know these machines are expensive, and I'm an overweight linebacker, but I think it's time for an upgrade!
Mike said we were going to try it one more time, all the while some random employee stood silently smiling a little too much with an "I told you so" look on her face. I was told to take a few deep breaths and reach my hands further over my head...this time the top of my shoulder just brushed, but by my shoulder blade I was wedging into the tube.
Back that lady out before she gets stuck like Winnie the Pooh going in and out of Rabbit's burrow!
Anyhow, lots of apologies later and phone calls to other offices and the Nurse Practitioner at the Numann Center, who is an intense hoot of a lady, promised me a spot back at their office complex first thing (earlier than first thing) in the morning with a different MRI, plus the ability to meet with the radiologist to do any further tests right then and there.
Mike was so nice, he led us back through the hospital to the Wellspring Breast Center where I would have the lymph node biopsy and Mike stopped in to beg a plead with someone to do an MRI for me before the biopsy. He was too softspoken and sweet, not like Tammy the NP who sounds like quite the pit bull when it comes to scheduling (kind of reminds me of my coworker Karen ;) so no MRI today.
Anyways I was an hour and a half early for this appointment but they still took me in. I had to be pulled aside and shown the ties for my gown hanging on my butt because I was just wandering around holding the damn thing shut. I had searched for ties, but hadn't found them. After quite a few minutes of deep breathing exercises to keep myself from crying in the waiting room I was called back by yet another SUPER nice nurse.
I forgot to tell you I had a Valium tablet in my purse I was supposed to take when I was done with the MRI because I was pretty anxious about the biopsy. My fear was related to the pain (this time we were going to try something other than lidocaine) and the "gun" they use to take the tissue sample startles me (I have a fear of balloons, guns and any loud abrupt noises - I tweak out). Well with the hubbub of the screwed up MRI I left that pill in the waiting room with Ben, and then convinced myself it was too late anyway to take it, I told myself if I took it now I would still be nervous and jerky for the biopsy, but then drooling and nonsensical on the ride home. Plus I had taken an L-Theanine supplement to help with the nerves earlier that morning.
I did freak out!
One node sampled. Not too bad.
"Your nodes are lower than you would think" - Must be those misplaced nipples told the lymph nodes that the weather was better down south...
Digging deeper for a lower node...OUCH! Snap Snap...me jerking and blubbering on the bed. The radiologist was super nice, as was the nurse who's hand I was clawing. I guess they think they went deeper than the numbing medicine and eventually I calmed down so they could put in their twisty metal marker so the biopsy site will show up on imaging.
I survived, no valium!
The radiologist, who coached my breathing to help me stop wiggling while I blubbered, explained that the pain made my emotions about everything come flooding in, nerves about the procedure, confusion and sadness about the diagnosis and the unknowns of it all. I felt less like an idiot and more like a brave linebacker, I weathered the biopsy, and came head to head, or shoulder to tube with an MRI machine.
So today is done, tomorrow an MRI, hopefully, and more bright spots.
A few bright spots glimmered throughout the day and just after we got home my dear co-worker had fixed a bunch of lights in our milking parlor so you need sunglasses to milk cows now. Plus a farm employee was willing to cut her date night short to come milk tomorrow morning so Ben can drive Miss Daisy to Syracuse again.
I promise shorter posts soon, but it's quiet in the house with Ben at the barn and the kids are staying with Grandma and Grandpa since we have to leave before dawn, so writing on the computer is a pretty relaxing gig.
Put on your pads and play like a linebacker!
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Touch Your Boobies
It's been a long week!
I am revitalizing the blog as a way to connect with friends and family during our breast cancer journey. It has been 5 years since I used this page! The warmth and support of all the texts/phone calls/visits are wonderful, but I needed to find a way to give people a consistent update (I can't remember who I told what to) and I looked at setting up a Caring Bridge site, but it seemed silly when I already had this blog set up. Sorry if you found this blog looking for farm stuff and ended up with this!
So here we are, less than a week into a breast cancer diagnosis.
Here's the very long-winded story:
I have a lump in my left breast, Ben is taking credit for the find. I didn't think it felt like anything for the first few weeks, until one morning it bothered me and I felt it again while getting dressed for work. This time it was substantial and nearly visible as a bulge.
The next day I called my midwife and friend, Mary Borra, and her staff scheduled me to come in to the Cortland office the following week.
Mary checked me out on the 7th of February and quickly decided to call the Cortland radiology department and see if they could fit me in while I was already in town. They did, and in retrospect I should have noticed some oddities in the requests for second images or constant chatter from the woman performing the ultrasound, but I naively kept thinking I just had a cyst.
Mary met with me as soon as I was done with the imaging and once she received the results she shared the news that the mass was highly suspicious and asked if I would be willing to meet with a surgeon that she trusted very much. We, Mary and I, went into the pouring rain back to the hospital where we were quickly seen by Dr. Cotie, the surgeon. Mary acted as my surrogate mother for the beginning of the appointment and has been supporting me throughout this.
Dr Cotie was frank, but very caring, and explained that this might be a long road, but we would try to get answers quickly. He helped me get back out of the building and left me on his way to track down the radiologist to try to schedule my ultrasound guided biopsy. Within a half hour the hospital had called telling me to arrive at 8:45 the following morning for my biopsy. The next morning I was told that nurses actually saw Dr. Cotie running down the hallway trying to catch the radiologist.
We got through the biopsy with only one of us getting light headed, and hung out in Cortland for the day so we could attend a Farmer Discussion Group put on by CCE, which was a nice way to end a long day, laughs and good conversation with our peers.
Two days later, Thursday the 9th, Mary called. Our poor General Manager, Ryan, happened to be sitting in my living room along with my parents for a Officers meeting for Home Central. He didn't know what he was in for!
Mary called to say that, while pathology was not complete on the sample, it was/is Ductile Carcinoma and that we needed to start picking out an oncologist.
While I was more than happy with the care I received at Cortland, and Ben and I can't say enough good things about the people we met there, my gut said I needed to go elsewhere.
With some help and guidance from Uncle Ivan (it's nice having a doctor in the family) and his colleagues, we decided to go to the Patricia Numann Breast Center at Upstate Medical. I called their office on the morning of the 10th and by that afternoon Mary and her team had my records sent to the center and they called with details of my appointment for the following Monday.
It was a long weekend! But I explored my family history a little more and learned of other unlucky ladies on the Gowan/Ward side with histories of cancer.
Monday we trekked through the snow storm to Syracuse and met with Dr. Albert, a surgical oncologist, and his colleagues at the Numann Center. We really thought highly of Dr. Albert's demeanor and knowledge. Ben says he has the three C's: he's Caring, Compassionate and Competent.
Dr. Albert wanted more imaging of my lymph nodes, so they fit us in for that while we were in the office. Upon watching the ultrasound, Dr. Albert recommended a lymph node biopsy this week to determine if the nodes have been affected. They were swollen on the imaging, but that could be from the biopsy the previous Wednesday, and the walls were thickened.
We also met with a plastic surgeon on the Numann team and he gave us the run down of what reconstruction would be like and reviewed ME to see what he could accomplish :)
I learned a few things... my nipples are in the "wrong place" for an under the boob incision. Apparently boobs shouldn't act like they are scared of heights!
Second I learned that when someone asks if they can take your picture to use in your records in case we do reconstruction, be prepared for full-on glamour shots! No DMV stuff here, no webcam, but big camera, multiple light screens, back lighting, posing, everything except rouge and a feather boa.
Third, I don't know what I learned, but I held my first fake booby and I saw more pictures of topless women than most 40 year old bachelors.
What a day!
We met with Dr Albert again before we left and discussed the possible options for treatment and each step of the way I felt more confident in the idea of a double mastectomy and reconstruction. Dr. Albert suggested we opt for genetic testing, which meant one more stop at the lab for a blood sample. By the end of the day it seemed more likely that chemo would be in my future and that I have a preference is for a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy.
Today, Tuesday the 14th - Valentine's Day, I was told to come back to Syracuse to their Community Hospital location for my lymph biopsy and MRI at 9 am on Thursday the 16th.
I am eager to get that done and over, but not eager for the biopsy as I don't care for lidocaine and I find it does not do it's job beyond skin deep, but that is a minor hiccup.
The kids are aware that Mommy has cancer, but Will is the only one who seems to understand that there are more implications than your normal cold or flu.
We are confidently optimistic, but at the same time worried about the here and now implications for our family and business(s?). I don't fear for Home Central, the crew/family there are an excellent team, and myself, and sometimes Ben, serve more as a small rudder guiding the direction, than as integral components in operations. The farm however is a younger entity, with ample debt, rapid growth and inconsistent labor.
We have a great support network, including family, friends, co-workers, former employees and farm professionals/vendors. Thanks for being who you all are!
Ben has been fussing over a manure pond that's nearly overflowing, but tonight a former employee stopped by and helped Ben & Ricky (Ben's cousin) get everything hooked up (a pretty big project) and ready to go. Ben's comment when he walked in the door a few minutes ago was "sometimes that little old man makes me feel so much better" to which I responded "why, faith in the world?" Ben said, "faith in the world and it's nice to talk to someone with a positive attitude at least once during the day." There are a lot of bright spots in the world if you take your sunglasses off and actually look around. Ben and Dan, our former employee, have had numerous times when they didn't see eye to eye and were tired of working side-by-side, but Dan has been a blessing to us. He seems to show up on our doorstep when things feel bleak, and he brings experience, positivity and kindness to brighten the day. There are so many people like that surrounding us, I can think of about a dozen that impacted us just today, whether they knew it or not.
I'm prepared to keep my eye out for the small acts of kindness each and every day.
I hope to not write so much each time, but this was a catch up for those who haven't been privy to the numerous texts, emails, phone calls of the last few days. For a non-communicator like me it's overwhelming to have so much interaction and so little "quiet" (digital or otherwise) time. I've never been good at staying in touch, so maybe this tool can help me along.
Thanks for all the love and support, for real!
I am revitalizing the blog as a way to connect with friends and family during our breast cancer journey. It has been 5 years since I used this page! The warmth and support of all the texts/phone calls/visits are wonderful, but I needed to find a way to give people a consistent update (I can't remember who I told what to) and I looked at setting up a Caring Bridge site, but it seemed silly when I already had this blog set up. Sorry if you found this blog looking for farm stuff and ended up with this!
So here we are, less than a week into a breast cancer diagnosis.
Here's the very long-winded story:
I have a lump in my left breast, Ben is taking credit for the find. I didn't think it felt like anything for the first few weeks, until one morning it bothered me and I felt it again while getting dressed for work. This time it was substantial and nearly visible as a bulge.
The next day I called my midwife and friend, Mary Borra, and her staff scheduled me to come in to the Cortland office the following week.
Mary checked me out on the 7th of February and quickly decided to call the Cortland radiology department and see if they could fit me in while I was already in town. They did, and in retrospect I should have noticed some oddities in the requests for second images or constant chatter from the woman performing the ultrasound, but I naively kept thinking I just had a cyst.
Mary met with me as soon as I was done with the imaging and once she received the results she shared the news that the mass was highly suspicious and asked if I would be willing to meet with a surgeon that she trusted very much. We, Mary and I, went into the pouring rain back to the hospital where we were quickly seen by Dr. Cotie, the surgeon. Mary acted as my surrogate mother for the beginning of the appointment and has been supporting me throughout this.
Dr Cotie was frank, but very caring, and explained that this might be a long road, but we would try to get answers quickly. He helped me get back out of the building and left me on his way to track down the radiologist to try to schedule my ultrasound guided biopsy. Within a half hour the hospital had called telling me to arrive at 8:45 the following morning for my biopsy. The next morning I was told that nurses actually saw Dr. Cotie running down the hallway trying to catch the radiologist.
We got through the biopsy with only one of us getting light headed, and hung out in Cortland for the day so we could attend a Farmer Discussion Group put on by CCE, which was a nice way to end a long day, laughs and good conversation with our peers.
Two days later, Thursday the 9th, Mary called. Our poor General Manager, Ryan, happened to be sitting in my living room along with my parents for a Officers meeting for Home Central. He didn't know what he was in for!
Mary called to say that, while pathology was not complete on the sample, it was/is Ductile Carcinoma and that we needed to start picking out an oncologist.
While I was more than happy with the care I received at Cortland, and Ben and I can't say enough good things about the people we met there, my gut said I needed to go elsewhere.
With some help and guidance from Uncle Ivan (it's nice having a doctor in the family) and his colleagues, we decided to go to the Patricia Numann Breast Center at Upstate Medical. I called their office on the morning of the 10th and by that afternoon Mary and her team had my records sent to the center and they called with details of my appointment for the following Monday.
It was a long weekend! But I explored my family history a little more and learned of other unlucky ladies on the Gowan/Ward side with histories of cancer.
Monday we trekked through the snow storm to Syracuse and met with Dr. Albert, a surgical oncologist, and his colleagues at the Numann Center. We really thought highly of Dr. Albert's demeanor and knowledge. Ben says he has the three C's: he's Caring, Compassionate and Competent.
Dr. Albert wanted more imaging of my lymph nodes, so they fit us in for that while we were in the office. Upon watching the ultrasound, Dr. Albert recommended a lymph node biopsy this week to determine if the nodes have been affected. They were swollen on the imaging, but that could be from the biopsy the previous Wednesday, and the walls were thickened.
We also met with a plastic surgeon on the Numann team and he gave us the run down of what reconstruction would be like and reviewed ME to see what he could accomplish :)
I learned a few things... my nipples are in the "wrong place" for an under the boob incision. Apparently boobs shouldn't act like they are scared of heights!
Second I learned that when someone asks if they can take your picture to use in your records in case we do reconstruction, be prepared for full-on glamour shots! No DMV stuff here, no webcam, but big camera, multiple light screens, back lighting, posing, everything except rouge and a feather boa.
Third, I don't know what I learned, but I held my first fake booby and I saw more pictures of topless women than most 40 year old bachelors.
What a day!
We met with Dr Albert again before we left and discussed the possible options for treatment and each step of the way I felt more confident in the idea of a double mastectomy and reconstruction. Dr. Albert suggested we opt for genetic testing, which meant one more stop at the lab for a blood sample. By the end of the day it seemed more likely that chemo would be in my future and that I have a preference is for a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy.
Today, Tuesday the 14th - Valentine's Day, I was told to come back to Syracuse to their Community Hospital location for my lymph biopsy and MRI at 9 am on Thursday the 16th.
I am eager to get that done and over, but not eager for the biopsy as I don't care for lidocaine and I find it does not do it's job beyond skin deep, but that is a minor hiccup.
The kids are aware that Mommy has cancer, but Will is the only one who seems to understand that there are more implications than your normal cold or flu.
We are confidently optimistic, but at the same time worried about the here and now implications for our family and business(s?). I don't fear for Home Central, the crew/family there are an excellent team, and myself, and sometimes Ben, serve more as a small rudder guiding the direction, than as integral components in operations. The farm however is a younger entity, with ample debt, rapid growth and inconsistent labor.
We have a great support network, including family, friends, co-workers, former employees and farm professionals/vendors. Thanks for being who you all are!
Ben has been fussing over a manure pond that's nearly overflowing, but tonight a former employee stopped by and helped Ben & Ricky (Ben's cousin) get everything hooked up (a pretty big project) and ready to go. Ben's comment when he walked in the door a few minutes ago was "sometimes that little old man makes me feel so much better" to which I responded "why, faith in the world?" Ben said, "faith in the world and it's nice to talk to someone with a positive attitude at least once during the day." There are a lot of bright spots in the world if you take your sunglasses off and actually look around. Ben and Dan, our former employee, have had numerous times when they didn't see eye to eye and were tired of working side-by-side, but Dan has been a blessing to us. He seems to show up on our doorstep when things feel bleak, and he brings experience, positivity and kindness to brighten the day. There are so many people like that surrounding us, I can think of about a dozen that impacted us just today, whether they knew it or not.
I'm prepared to keep my eye out for the small acts of kindness each and every day.
I hope to not write so much each time, but this was a catch up for those who haven't been privy to the numerous texts, emails, phone calls of the last few days. For a non-communicator like me it's overwhelming to have so much interaction and so little "quiet" (digital or otherwise) time. I've never been good at staying in touch, so maybe this tool can help me along.
Thanks for all the love and support, for real!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Babies, Boars, Best Friends and Butts
Babies
March brought a handful of new babies to the farm including a baby of our own. Colton Michael joined the family on March 8th and his big brother is in love. Colton was out in the barn with us for chores within a few days.
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| Belle & Cinderella |
Right around the time of Colton's birth we also had several cows freshen and below are some pictures of them. Belle was a twin and Cinderella is the daughter of a cow we raised named Connie. Last Summer we purchased a small group of cows from a farmer and while they were nice cows we realized when they got home that these animals were extremely small in comparison to our primarily holstein crossed cows. We started calling the smallest one in the group 'Mini Horse' because she looked so tiny next to our cows, and the calf below is from Mini Horse, so to follow in her mother's footsteps, we named her 'Pretty Pony.'
 |
| Pretty Pony |
Boar
 |
| Julian & Olivia |
Best Friends
 |
| Me and my entourage |
driveway and cross the road almost my entire flock of hens comes running to greet me. I would like to think it's because the love me, but I think it is more likely because I generally bring them some kitchen scraps in my little red egg bucket and they look forward to those treats. It's not just me though, Anyone approachingthe 100' radius around their coop seems to be greeted by these friendly girls.
Butts
Just look at the picture...
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| Heifers all huddled around the bale feeder |
No complaints on this weather for getting fieldwork done!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Winter update
So 2011 ended and here we are in 2012 and I haven't posted on the blog in 6 long months! A lot has happened, we hosted Sundaes at The Farm in August and had more than 600 people visit our farm one dreary Sunday. We finished the Caroline Farmer's Market at the end of October after a good season, too good sometimes as we sold out of beef and most of our pork by August and made our customers wait several weeks for a fresh supply. The beef quickly vanished and we were concerned we would be buying beef for ourselves all winter long (more on that later.) We had a busy calving season with about 30 calves born in November and December, and thus our milk production is climbing and some of the bills are getting caught up on, as long as I can keep Ben from starting any more projects than what he already has started.
Right now Ben has a friend building us a commodity shed to store a tractor trailer load of grain straight from a farmer, rather than buying the small loads of pre-mixed grain from the mill. This strategy saves money in the long run if we can perfect our system of storing, grinding and mixing the grain. We have had some problems in the past few months with cow health as a direct result of imbalanced nutrition, but we are trying to get that ironed out and move forward.
In the past year we have moved away from raising calves in small groups to now raising them in large groups of unweaned, weaned and breeding age heifers. This change has resulted in some modifications to the layout of our old barn and the calves seem to love the freedom of a big open space in the barn vs. the smaller spaces they had before, and it seems to have reduced our workload quite drastically.We are also hoping this change improves air quality and thus reduces pneumonia problems, but with the drastic swings in temps we have had this winter, pneumonia has still been a major issue.
We have 4 feeder pigs currently living in the barn and 2 other pigs that are about ready to be bred as we try for the first time to raise our own piglets. One more addition to our family will happen in another couple months, as I am pregnant with our second boy, due the first week in March. This will definitely mean a smaller garden this year and maybe some changes in our direct marketing plans. Ben has been grateful that I am due in the Winter again so as not to interrupt the busy haying season.
Since my belly is sticking out quite far and I can't reach the bottom of the freezers, my Mom helped clean out and arrange our freezers this morning prior to the arrival of a new batch of beef. We still have plenty of pork on hand and some leftover beef suet, large bones, heart and liver, but now we have a brand new supply of beautiful beef. Below is a listing of what I currently have available, email for a price list or to set up an appointment to pick something up. We have several butcher dates set for the Spring so if you are interested in a 1/4 or half please contact me soon so I can designate those spots.
Pork available: chops, steaks, smoked or uncured ham steaks, smoked or uncured hams, loin roast, shoulder roast, country ribs, spare ribs, smoked or uncured bacon, cottage bacon, hot or sweet(small quantity) sausage
Beef available: ground, stew meat, cube steak, chuck roast, rolled rump roast, spare ribs, minute steak, skirt steak, NY strip steak, delmonico steaks, fillets or 2-3lb tenderloin, boneless sirloin steak, london broil, suet, heart, tongue (just one), liver, soup bones and large meaty bones
Eggs are also available
Please remember that our products are organically raised, but not certified organic. They are fed organically, but our butcher is not a certified organic butcher and any cured/processed products are not done organically (we are looking into this for some of our Spring butchering).
Right now Ben has a friend building us a commodity shed to store a tractor trailer load of grain straight from a farmer, rather than buying the small loads of pre-mixed grain from the mill. This strategy saves money in the long run if we can perfect our system of storing, grinding and mixing the grain. We have had some problems in the past few months with cow health as a direct result of imbalanced nutrition, but we are trying to get that ironed out and move forward.
In the past year we have moved away from raising calves in small groups to now raising them in large groups of unweaned, weaned and breeding age heifers. This change has resulted in some modifications to the layout of our old barn and the calves seem to love the freedom of a big open space in the barn vs. the smaller spaces they had before, and it seems to have reduced our workload quite drastically.We are also hoping this change improves air quality and thus reduces pneumonia problems, but with the drastic swings in temps we have had this winter, pneumonia has still been a major issue.
We have 4 feeder pigs currently living in the barn and 2 other pigs that are about ready to be bred as we try for the first time to raise our own piglets. One more addition to our family will happen in another couple months, as I am pregnant with our second boy, due the first week in March. This will definitely mean a smaller garden this year and maybe some changes in our direct marketing plans. Ben has been grateful that I am due in the Winter again so as not to interrupt the busy haying season.
Since my belly is sticking out quite far and I can't reach the bottom of the freezers, my Mom helped clean out and arrange our freezers this morning prior to the arrival of a new batch of beef. We still have plenty of pork on hand and some leftover beef suet, large bones, heart and liver, but now we have a brand new supply of beautiful beef. Below is a listing of what I currently have available, email for a price list or to set up an appointment to pick something up. We have several butcher dates set for the Spring so if you are interested in a 1/4 or half please contact me soon so I can designate those spots.
Pork available: chops, steaks, smoked or uncured ham steaks, smoked or uncured hams, loin roast, shoulder roast, country ribs, spare ribs, smoked or uncured bacon, cottage bacon, hot or sweet(small quantity) sausage
Beef available: ground, stew meat, cube steak, chuck roast, rolled rump roast, spare ribs, minute steak, skirt steak, NY strip steak, delmonico steaks, fillets or 2-3lb tenderloin, boneless sirloin steak, london broil, suet, heart, tongue (just one), liver, soup bones and large meaty bones
Eggs are also available
Please remember that our products are organically raised, but not certified organic. They are fed organically, but our butcher is not a certified organic butcher and any cured/processed products are not done organically (we are looking into this for some of our Spring butchering).
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